Bob the gaijin - (can we fix it? NO WE CAN'T!)

Perhaps hailing from lands that pertain to having a saviour of some description, who will appear at the 'End of Days' and make it all better, makes many Japanese believe that we gaijins are capable of walking on water ourselves. Whether we're followers of a faith or not is irrespective; the fact is that JC is pretty well known if not worshipped by the whole world, as are tales of him pulling rabbits out of hats.

But often the trouble with having a reputation for being good at certain things is if you can't make someone else as good as you are at them, they'll feed you to the lions. Teaching English, for example. It must be the easiest job in the world to teach your native language! Simmer some basic conversation on a low heat, add corrections sparingly, throw in a few adverbs and conjunctions, garnish with some decent punctuation and we'll even pay you.

So why can't I follow 24 without subtitles? Why don't I understand Neighbours? Yes, I know I've never been to Melbourne. Lord, I've never even left Japan, but I have been coming to class for one hour every week for the last six months. And why doesn't my kid speak perfect English at the dinner table? In the class I just observed it looked my child was playing rather than learning. Yes, I know she's only 5, but I'm paying you and you're a Gaijin, for God's sake!

And that's just one side of the counter. Try explaining to your bosses that you're trying your best, but you can't help it if that 3 year-old who hasn't quite separated from Mommy still screams her head off in your class. But you're a Gaijin and we're paying you, they beseech, looks of pleading/smile-that-doesn't-quite-meet-the-eyes fury. No worries that the wean might take one look at your monster-like green eyes and big conk and howl for the familiar - you're a miracle worker!

But healing the sickened is as nothing to finding a poor soul the father of her children. Now that takes some beating. And that's what I was asked to do by a new friend today. By 'new friend' I really mean acquaintance, someone who is very keen to befriend me but, given my little free time, I probably won't get to know well at all. This young lady wrote to me inviting me to visit some tourist sights and she added a post script.

As I said, it's doubtful that I'll get to know her well in the time I've got left here. So I don't feel too disloyal by writing that I've been asked to introduce her to 'someone in his middle or late twenties and is office worker'. She adds that she's knows it's difficult for me and is sorry to ask, but she's worried because she's just turned 25.

Difficult isn't the word I would use here. Perhaps a bit inappropriate. Hot on the heels of which is why would any Japanese twenty-something woman in Japan think that I could introduce them to young salarymen? I would no more expect them to set me up with one of Motorhead's road crew.

It's inappropriate not because it's a bad idea to ask around - if you are looking for a proper partner and you think some of your friends have made good choices, they might have friends you'd like. It's simply strange because I hardly know this young woman and moreoever, I don't know any young salarymen whom I call friends. I have some students like this and they're lovely guys, but we don't socialise and it would be totally inappropriate to say, 'Okay, please prepare unit 11 for next week. Oh, and are any of you looking for a girlfriend?'

What bothers me most though is the attitude behind this. This young lady has clearly been thinking and maybe panicking, and I don't think she can be blamed for this when she's part of a culture that believes that an unmarried woman is like Christmas cake - no good after the 25th. Who wouldn't go crazy if you'd heard this schlock year in year out ever since you realised you were a girl? I know that you can find attitudes like this back home - many's been the time I've been viewed pitifully for 'not having a boyfriend', mainly by people who are unhappy with their own sorry love-lives - but I like to think that it crops up mainly when That Clock is ticking. I guess it's hard for me to understand too. Neither of my parents have ever bothered me about getting married, which I've always been grateful for, so I don't understand how that kind of pressure feels.

Say I was to fix someone up - not necessarily this lady, but anyone else I know. Would I ever get it right? It's so not part of my remit because I abhor being fixed up myself. I've never asked anyone to do this for me and yet it has been 'done' to me without my even knowing many times and it's been truly embarrassing and I've found it totally invasive. After all, someone's suggesting that you have sex with someone they want you to have sex with. It would be a lot quciker if she shagged him herself (and it always is a woman who invades you space like this! So much for sisterhood!). And no one but you knows who's good for you or who you want to be with. However much you like your friend's brainy next door neighbour, she might not feel the way you do about him. Your single friends may both like AC/DC, but does she really want a bad-breathed bigot when her bookcases boast Carl Jung as well as I'm with the Band?

But I've strayed.

I popped in to the lady's place of work today to say thank you for her note and also to hopefully give her a bit of reassurance. (I mean, 25 is nuthin'!) I told her not to worry, that I was x years old and single (and don't you dare feel sorry for me 'cos I don't) . Ideally though, I would choose to talk to someone about why they feel crap about being single at that age (or any age, actually) - Jeez, even the tiresome Bridget Jones waited till her 30s - apart from this is procedure for someone I've got a bit more mileage with. How do you put it to someone you don't really know?

More to the point , do you want to get into this with someone you hardly know? What will you be asked to fix next?